Another Yorkshire Joke

Terranosaurus · 14-08-2009, 23:15

A Yorkshireman is drinking in a New York bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Yorkie just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the same Yorkshireman returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say,
you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Yorkshire father takes a slow gulp from his pint of Tetley's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says:

"Had him circumcised".

Terranosaurus · 14-08-2009, 23:17

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet: Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."

Terranosaurus · 14-08-2009, 23:18

Ex-pat Yorkshireman

A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail.

One day, he got the following telegram:

'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.'

Terranosaurus · 14-08-2009, 23:19

Yorkshire Fillet
An enterprising Yorkshireman discovers a novel use for Femidoms.

A tired but content little Yorkshireman is sent out to pick up something for dinner by his missus, the mother of his eight children. As an afterthought she suggests he picks up a pack of Femidoms, as their two-bed semi' was becoming somewhat overcrowded, and at 23 she felt it might be nice to experience life without haemorrhoids for a while.

Having visited the chemist, the little Yorkshireman realised he had forgotten to bring a bag with which to carry home that night's evening meal, but being an enterprising chap, realised he could break open the pack of Femidoms and fashion a serviceable carrier bag from one of the plastic pussy pouches.

As he walked into the butcher's shop he produced the makeshift carrier bag from the pocket of his greatcoat and said to the butcher: "pound 'a fillet my lad."
To which the butcher replied, "pound tha don't."

willow · 14-08-2009, 23:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Terranosaurus

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet: Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."

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thers nowt like a good joke

Terranosaurus · 14-08-2009, 23:25

Four Yorkshiremen Sketch

Monty Python

Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort.

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah?

Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TG: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TG: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope..

14-08-2009, 23:15	#1
Terranosaurus Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: YORKSHIRE Vehicle: 2001 2.7 TDi T2 SWB Posts: 4,077	Another Yorkshire Joke A Yorkshireman is drinking in a New York bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Yorkie just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the same Yorkshireman returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Yorkshire father takes a slow gulp from his pint of Tetley's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says: "Had him circumcised".

14-08-2009, 23:17	#2
Terranosaurus Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: YORKSHIRE Vehicle: 2001 2.7 TDi T2 SWB Posts: 4,077	Another A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet: Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."

14-08-2009, 23:18	#3
Terranosaurus Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: YORKSHIRE Vehicle: 2001 2.7 TDi T2 SWB Posts: 4,077	Another Ex-pat Yorkshireman A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail. One day, he got the following telegram: 'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.'

14-08-2009, 23:19	#4
Terranosaurus Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: YORKSHIRE Vehicle: 2001 2.7 TDi T2 SWB Posts: 4,077	Another Yorkshire Fillet An enterprising Yorkshireman discovers a novel use for Femidoms. A tired but content little Yorkshireman is sent out to pick up something for dinner by his missus, the mother of his eight children. As an afterthought she suggests he picks up a pack of Femidoms, as their two-bed semi' was becoming somewhat overcrowded, and at 23 she felt it might be nice to experience life without haemorrhoids for a while. Having visited the chemist, the little Yorkshireman realised he had forgotten to bring a bag with which to carry home that night's evening meal, but being an enterprising chap, realised he could break open the pack of Femidoms and fashion a serviceable carrier bag from one of the plastic pussy pouches. As he walked into the butcher's shop he produced the makeshift carrier bag from the pocket of his greatcoat and said to the butcher: "pound 'a fillet my lad." To which the butcher replied, "pound tha don't."

14-08-2009, 23:25	#6
Terranosaurus Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: YORKSHIRE Vehicle: 2001 2.7 TDi T2 SWB Posts: 4,077	And of course Four Yorkshiremen Sketch Monty Python Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort. Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable. Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah? Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah. Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine? MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea. GC: A cup ' COLD tea. EI: Without milk or sugar. TG: OR tea! MP: In a filthy, cracked cup. EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper. GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor. MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness." EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof. GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING! TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! We used to have to live in a corridor! MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph. EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US. GC: We were evicted from our hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake! TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road. MP: Cardboard box? TG: Aye. MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt! GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY! TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife. EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah." MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'. ALL: Nope, nope..